Breast vs. Bottle

It's been a little over 3 weeks since Taylor has been born. You would think that my first postpartum blog entry would be about Taylor's birth. Rather, it's going to be about my breastfeeding journey.

Never in a million years did I think that breastfeeding would be an issue. There was also never a question on whether or not I would breastfeed. Of course I would. I mean, all the posters plastered around Kaiser with the smiling mom cooing at the baby while breastfeeding made it look so easy. Simply grab the baby, put the baby to the breast, the baby would suck, milk would come out, she'd be full and happy, and viola.

My breastfeeding story didn't end up like that. I don't want this entry to be a justification of my decision or my way of spinning things so that people will be more sympathetic and understanding of me. Rather, I hope that this entry will be somewhat of a cathartic experience for me and will help me come to terms with my decision.

Milk Supply Issues: 

4/25-4/27: Right after I delivered and went to postpartum care, one of the nurses told me that I don't have to breastfeed every few hours because the baby had enough food in her to last her an entire day. I simply believed her and didn't feed Taylor every 2.5-3 hours. I think there were stretches where I went without feeding her for like 6 hours. Maybe that's why my milk supply didn't come in. I don't know.

4/27-4/29: Taylor was cranky sometimes at night and I wasn't sure what it was. I also had problems breastfeeding because I couldn't hear her "gulp" when she was sucking.

4/29: I went in for Taylor's check up. She was born at 6lb 14oz but went down to 6lb and 1oz. She had lost 12% of her body weight. The lactation consultant told me to do a marathon feeding where I would feed her for up to 40 min on the breast, pump for 20 min after, and feed her what I was pumping with a tube tied to a syringe. She wanted me to supplement 15ml of breastmilk. She also wanted me to do skin to skin with Taylor as much as possible. Unfortunately, I wasn't even able to make 15ml. The most I made that day was 8ml through pumping on both breasts. I got 45 minutes of sleep that night and felt like crashing.

4/30: I went in for another visit the next day and she only gained an ounce from the marathon feeding. I was completely burnt out. After that appointment, I did the same thing, except I increased my supplementing from 15ml to 30ml. Since I wasn't producing enough breastmilk, I had to supplement with formula. As the days went by, I started slowly getting used to the regime (better than day 1). However, I would only produce 30ml (1oz) on both breasts during a good pumping session. It was definitely better than the 8ml I was pumping before. However, I dreaded every feeding session. I also cried every day about something. I always felt like Taylor wasn't getting enough food from me.

5/2: A few days later, I went to visit a lactation consultant again and Taylor went from 6lbs 2oz to 6lbs 7oz. I felt like the Kaiser lactation people weren't that supportive because I had no idea what to do from here on out. The lady just told me to relax and not wash all the bottles so thoroughly after each session or else I'd tire myself out. She told me to keep on breastfeeding and supplement with 20ml (only after I asked her how much) of what I pumped. I went back home feeling lost and confused, but I just kept on doing what they were telling me to do. She also said that my next appointment would be on 5/12 with the pediatrician.

5/2-5/12: I just continued doing the feeding, pumping, syringe feeding routine.

5/12: I went in for Taylor's check up and she was at 6lbs and 11oz. It was 2 weeks and she was still not at birth weight. I went to see a lactation consultant again and she told me to supplement with whatever I was making with the breastmilk (if it was 1oz or more). I also scheduled another appointment with a lactation consultant on Friday and then a weight check with the pediatrician the next Monday. I was getting so desperate that I called an outside lactation consultant that got glowing reviews on Yelp. I was hoping that she would be able to help us, even if it cost us $200. By that time, Taylor was only drinking from my left breast since she wouldn't latch on to my right and kept on crying. That time was so excruciating for me. Ji and I went and learned a lot. I was obviously producing milk on my left, but the lactation lady had a hard time getting Taylor to latch on to my right. She said she was sorry she couldn't do much about the right. After that session, I went away wanting to bottle feed. You would think it would be the opposite, but I just felt like breastfeeding was too complicated. Ji went away feeling more hopeful, since she was getting milk from my left breast. This led to a major fight between both of us for a few days. I wanted to stop. He wanted to keep going. We decided to keep going and revisit later. However, I resented Ji bc I was so miserable. I cried so much throughout the day and the thought of breastfeeding depressed me. I felt so inadequate as a mother when she wouldn't take my right breast. I also felt like she wasn't getting enough from my left breast.

5/13: Around this time, I started getting chills and body aches. I fought through them and kept on breastfeeding.

5/14: My chills and body aches got worse, but I kept on going with breastfeeding.

5/15: Once again, chills and body aches. However, this night was different. I had a fever of 104 and felt like I couldn't move. The advice nurse told me that I had mastitis. Ji's parents came to take care of us that night and his mom made us dinner. As I was laying down, I felt stomach cramps but thought they would go away. I got up to eat, took a spoonful and couldn't do it anymore. My stomach hurt too much, my body started getting numb, and I felt so weak. We went to the ER and after getting some fluids and antibiotics, I felt better.

5/16: We decided to go to so cal. We also had a meeting with the lactation consultant. This time, things weren't as hopeful. She said that we can keep on trying to establish my milk supply and they will support me with whatever decision I make. However, it looked like my right side was getting dry. She said any breastmilk is better than none, so I can give her my left breast and supplement with 1.5 to 2 oz of formula. Either way, Taylor would have to take formula. She also raised the issue of my quality of life. I knew that I couldn't live breastfeeding, pumping, and then supplementing--it was just too much.

My Decision 
Honestly, I could've given her some breastmilk from my left boob and also given her formula. However, I decided not to. Maybe I just wanted to stop altogether because I had such a traumatic experience breastfeeding. I also didn't want to give her the breast and then go and make formula and feed her again. I'd rather just do one thing and go with it. After I made my decision, I felt a weight lifted off of me. I was actually joking around and in a better mood. I didn't cry for the first time since giving birth.

However, guilt set in. She took to formula, but now she's been having digestion issues. A few days ago, she threw up this big chunk of formula. She also hasn't been sleeping as well. I've been attributing everything that's wrong to formula and feel guilty that I don't give her my breast. My breasts leaked the first two days and now there are only a few drops here and there. One time, she was so hungry that she positioned herself on my left breast and started sucking like when she was breastfeeding--that broke my heart. I feel like a selfish mom because I'm not even giving her SOME breastmilk. I'm torn because the thought of breastfeeding makes me cringe bc of all the pain and bad history associated with my past experience. However, when I see her not digesting well or cranky, I want to give it to her. When I see drops of breastmilk coming out, I feel like that could be given to her. Today I was thinking "Maybe it's not too late to give her some of my breastmilk."

I also feel shameful. I feel like I have to try to justify myself to other moms who breastfeed, but I can't. I could've given her my left boob in addition to formula, but I just decided not to. I want to tell them the entire history behind my breastfeeding journey so they can understand, but the question is--why? Why do I have to justify my decision? Is this a sin issue? I wonder if it is because I was selfish and didn't give her my left breast.