Honesty

I'm going to be honest here. Church has been one of the hardest things for me since marrying Ji. Coming into the relationship, it was just fact that I would be attending Lighthouse. Many people know about my struggle, and I sometimes don't want to share because I continuously struggle with this issue. Basically, I don't want to be the girl that's pitied because she's having such a hard time, but what can I do--it's just a genuine struggle of mine. I guess you can say that I feel like I don't "fit" at LBCSJ. This has been a struggle for quite some time, but I can honestly say that I see God's grace in slowly changing me.

Stage 1: The Busy Stage
From September 2011 to January 2012, I came on and off to visit Lighthouse, since I didn't have a job. I was living in Palm Desert at the time and was excited about the potential of moving up (since it was difficult to find fellowship in Palm Desert). I ended up consistently coming since January of 2012 and was just busy with wedding planning, adjusting to marriage, etc. until summer hit.

Stage 2: The Crying Stage
I'm sure a lot of things happened between September of 2011 through the summer of 2012, because I dreaded going to Lighthouse. There was just this road block and often times I felt judged, not accepted, and everything else you can imagine under the sun. There were nights when I would just cry in Ji's arms telling him how much I didn't want to go. My favorite part of church was leaving.

Stage 3: The Church Plant Stage
A part of me may have not put in much effort because I knew I was going to be a part of the LBCEB church plant. When we decided to go back to LBCSJ I was seriously on the verge of tears again. I never wanted to go back to LBCSJ--that wasn't a part of my plan. In my perfect world, I'd go back to LA, go to IBC and be with the church body that I loved. I didn't love LBCSJ.

Stage 4: The Present
When I came back, I was humbled that many people welcomed us back and were glad to have us. Church is still one of the hardest things for me, but I see God slowly changing me. I can't say that I feel so comfortable at LBCSJ and that it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Remember, this isn't a Disney movie. This is a real life story about a sinful girl who's struggling to love her church, but learning some lessons along the way such as:

• I'm a hypocrite: For a lot of the time, I struggled with feeling like people judged me and didn't accept me for who I was. Yet, I did the same exact thing. How can I expect people to accept me for being who I am when I don't do the same thing? 
• I lack a lot of love: These are the people I'm going to spend eternity in heaven with and Christ died for His church. If this is true, why don't I want to be with these people? In that vein...
• I'm selfish: I want to be accepted, but I don't want to take the time to accept people. 
• I'm superficial: I love it when I can just connect with someone's personality. Yet, I have a hard time connecting with those who don't fit that mold, even though we have a deeper connection through Christ. 

The list goes on and on. Recent events have happened, and I would be lying if I didn't think that this was the perfect time to leave for another church where I didn't have to struggle so much and where I'd "fit" better. Yet, I'm slowly learning that church is not about me and where I feel the most comfortable. Sure it would be nice if I felt a bit more free to be who I am and be around people who "get" me, but once again, church is not about me. 

Life is not about me. I need to be right with God, reflect on the Gospel each day, and cry out for Him to change my heart to love my church wholeheartedly. 

So the conclusion: LBCSJ is hard and I will continue to struggle, but God is sovereign, merciful, and good.